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ElectricDee

Waitergate - The Truth

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It would appear that it's all gone quiet over there regarding the alleged biting incident but it's set to run and run as there is far more to it than has been reported so far. The initial investigation has uncovered some devastating information which is so explosive that it has already been leaked. Hollywood moguls have managed to get their hands on it and amazingly  a script has already been written. It has eerie echoes of a sordid example from the early seventies of how desperate an individual can be when they try to hang on grimly at all costs to power.

I cannot reveal my sources but I have a copy of the script and the plot goes as follows:-

It's a story of two football clubs in one city - let's call one the "proper club" and the other the "improper club". The "proper club" has a proud history with very loyal and loud supporters but fell on hard times due to a dodgy game in the mid seventies between the "improper club" and a German club based in Glasgow. The "improper club" prospers in an unlikely manner to inexplicably become  media darlings and attracts a number of female and digitally disproportioned supporters from the outlying hinterland. These supporters are unquestionably loyal never failing to turn up for a cup final. This leads to the latest President of the "improper club" to become extremely jealous of the power he wields and the "advantages" this gives him.

After many years of struggling to survive, often only due to the herculean efforts of their very loyal and loud supporters, the "proper club" begin to climb back to their rightful place. This causes consternation for the President of the  "improper club" and his sycophants. He sees the young and popular manager of the "proper club" is building a potentially championship winning side round their inspirational but injury prone captain and resolves to stop this by any means - fair or foul. He contacts a mafia like organisation from an eastern Mediterranean country renowned for football fanaticism and recruits an "operative" to act as a hit man. The plan is to bide their time and let the "operative" build up a reputation for inexplicable behaviour before the "hit" was carried out. It was easy to get away with this as, if the Scottish Football Authority tried to punish the "operative", the "improper club" would play the race card which would get them away with murder (literally they hoped). To help with the ruse the President even encouraged the use of a nickname for the "operative" - the Fast Tricky Winger.

Finally the day came at the end of the season when the two clubs were due to go head to head. After telling the recumbent young teenage girls inside to get lost, a secret briefing took place in the groundsman's shed between the President of the "improper club"  and his  "operative". The plan was as follows:- small, sharp containers filled with polonium jelly would be fitted in the "operative's" false teeth; on one of the many occasions he fell to the ground he would "accidentally" sink his teeth into the leg of the unsuspecting inspirational but injury prone captain of the "proper club" who would then die a slow agonising death over the close season. No suspicion would fall on the "improper club"  as no-one at the Scottish Football Authority would think to check for polonium poisoning. Ingenius - but flawed.

Flaw 1 - due to a language problem (the President of the "improper club" had a poor grasp of English) the "operative"  thought he had been instructed to fill the containers in his teeth with petroleum jelly. As there were always tubs of this lying in the showers of the home dressing room he thought nothing of this.   

Flaw 2 - they did not realise the inspirational but injury prone captain of the "proper club" only played every second game and he had played in a vital Forfarshire Cup tie against Montrose Reserves the previous week so would not be playing.

Flaw 3 - they reckoned without the sophistication of the myriads of fans of the "proper club". They had seen through the Fast Tricky Winger - he was even more shifty in character than the rest of his team mates and the nickname was obviously false  - it was an inaccurate physical description and he didn't even play on the wing! Alternative, more accurate but polite nicknames even began to be whispered among them. The cover was blown.

Flaw 4 - the only picture they could find was one of the inspirational but injury prone captain wearing a full beard.

So when the time came the Fast Tricky Winger had a dilemma. He knew the inspirational but injury prone captain was an energetic and brilliant defensive midfielder.  There were at least six of these in the "proper" team but none with a beard. He had to think on his feet which was new for him as he spent most of his time on his ar**. Was it the energetic and angry defensive midfielder? He hoped not as this guy seemed to have a lot of friends among the many thousands of supporters of the "proper club" and he seemed to have a form of OCD with his intense dislike of low denomination loose change. Besides he doubted if he could get his mouth round the energetic and angry player's leg. He decided his target must be Jim McChicken-Aznoead, an energetic and extremely honest player. To anyone else it would be the biggest case of mistaken identity since Paul Sturrock and a player who never dived to get a penalty - the inspirational but injury prone captain and Jim McChicken-Aznoead. His mind was made up. When he fell to the ground for the 59th time he struck - and the mayhem began.  Jim McChicken-Aznoead immediately complained to the referee Bobby Driveyedaft but he thought it was a foul the other way as he was completely and utterly incompetent. 

The next day the "proper club" politely appealed to the Scottish Football Authority who asked the "improper club" if the allegation made about their player made was true. The President of the "improper club" said he had asked the Fast Tricky Winger if he had done it and he had said he hadn't so, by definition, he hadn't done it and even to ask the question was racist. All he had done was to give a wee peck on the leg while he was wearing flaming red lipstick as usual. So the Scottish Football Authority said "ok then". So that might have been that but there was an unexpected twist.

A disgruntled ex lover of the President had heard the secret conversations and was determined the truth would come out but, fearful for her safety, she realised she could only divulge information drip by drip and anonymously. Who could she trust? There was only one man - Jim Dispensable, an intrepid, determined,  strawberry blonde haired investigative reporter at the BBC. He only reported the truth and would not let go until the truth came out. Even more importantly there was never a hint of bias in his reporting.

So she set up clandestine meetings in Gellatly Street Car Park where she drip fed Mr Dispensable with clue after clue. She never revealed herself but always hid in the shadows behind the pillars at the upstairs electric vehicle charging point. He only knew her by her codename - "Deep Throat". Eventually after having been told for three months exactly what had happened the penny dropped. Jim had the evidence he needed but who could he trust at the  Scottish Football Authority with this dynamite information which could result in severe health problems for those party to it. Again there was only one man, the man whose genius, business acumen and lack of regard for himself has made Scottish football what it is today. His name could never be mentioned so there was only one thing for it - another codename - the "Donkey". It was the right decision - the "Donkey" knew right from wrong and an immediate investigation - codename Operation Granville - was launched six months later.

The pressure was on the President of the "improper club". He tried to bluff his way out of it even appearing on national TV to utter the infamous words forever associated with the affair which would go down in history as "Waitergate"  -   "there will be no stitchup at the Sticklebrick".

 This proved to be the end for the "operative". The Fast Tricky Winger was found pinned by a number of very large kebab skewers and knitting needles to a monkey puzzle tree in Camperdown Park. It wasn't enough - Operation Granville  was conducted with ruthless efficiency. Numerous other misdemeanours were uncovered - 320 unpaid speeding fines, bootleg knitting patterns, evidence of slave labour in the 1970's and 1980's and crimes against football fashion from the early 1970's to the present day. Six months later the President of the "improper club" was impeached by the Scottish Football Authority and invited to accept transportation to Australia or a three match ban. The first punishment was gleefully accepted. The now ex-President of the "improper club" set up a chain of convenience stores after he failed to sell even one car as a used car salesman. A few months later he was headhunted as Head of Ethical Behaviour for the FIFA "family".

As for the "proper club", they went on to win the Champions' League two years later mainly due to the inspirational but injury prone captain managing to play two out of every three games. Their style of football, playing with four wingers and one defensive midfielder, was universally celebrated as a revolutionary tactical masterstroke by their manager. The club were followed by masses of their own fans, voted the loudest ever heard in Europe, plus twenty thousand adoring Crystal Palace fans. (The  ex-President of the "improper club" said the "proper club's" manager was jammy) . The "improper club" were deducted 3 points and ended up playing in the Midlands' Junior League Division 2 having gone into administration nine times.

Supporters clubs were inundated with applications for membership. Supporters of Rangers, Celtic, Man United, Chelsea and Real Madrid were rejected as glory hunters. Supporters of the "improper club" were allowed to join if they could prove their fathers and grandfathers had supported the "proper club". 99.99% (219) joined, the only exception being the ex-President of the "improper club" whose family had supported Motherwell.

Casting has already begun for the film. Lorraine Kelly is to play "Deep Throat" but there is some suspicion this is because the very young casting crew has confused this part with another of the same name in a famous film from the same era.  Jim  Dispensable is to be played by Robert Redford after Ronnie Corbett rejected the part. As an established method actor, Redford happily agreed to film the entire part while on his knees. The inspirational but injury prone captain is to be played by Lionel Messi with his manager being played by Jose Mourinho. The "Donkey" has modestly volunteered to play himself.

Coming to a cinema near you - not very soon

Disclaimer - all characters and events depicted are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to real persons or events is entirely fortuitous.

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Before I read your post, can I just make an observation that that's probably the longest post I've ever seen on a football forum! Take a bow.

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Some very funny lines in there.

Clearly an elaborate work of fiction though.

Too far fetched to be based on a true story!

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Before I read your post, can I just make an observation that that's probably the longest post I've ever seen on a football forum! Take a bow.

is it longer than some of gedee's posts? lol

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Giving Joe a run for his money here! Absolutely brilliant banter. I feel like I want to give you a sticker!

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is it longer than some of gedee's posts? lol

It's like a mix between a Gedee post and a Spud from Trainspotting job interview

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Can't wait for this in the cinema. Will need to put a whole night aside for it or the script will need to be condensed. That said, if we condense some vital action may be missed ( similar to our local news papers somehow missing this action). Hopefully the camera man in the film will manage to get a better angle and that should complete the evidence and ban the thug for 6 months!

Great post electric Dee!

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Guarantee Geedee beats it with his reply.

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SIMPLY OVERWHELMED !!

I know when I am beaten :(

But weel done Electric Dee :)

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is it longer than some of gedee's posts? lol

It might be longer than all of them added together :spock:

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